Book Review HELL IF WE DON'T CHANGE OUR WAYS Brittany Means

Thank you to the author Brittany Means, publishers Zibby Books, and NetGalley, for an advance digital copy of HELL IF WE DON'T CHANGE OUR WAYS. All views are mine.



Opening Quote: I can tell you that having certainty is sometimes a mirage you create for yourself so you can keep taking steps through the sand. Loc.1875

Three (or more) things I loved:

1. At the end of this book, a lot of readers may hold that Brittany's mom doesn't deserve her children's forgiveness, especially Brittany's. A lot of people in my life have told me in my life that my mother doesn't deserve mine. But our mothers do deserve forgiveness. I forgive my mother. It is a courageous act I engage in ever day. Brittany shows the same courage. This book does many things, including importantly that it instructs deeply on the universal gift of forgiveness. 

2. The opening page of chapter 1 is one of the most beautiful and haunting things I've ever read. I make note of my weight pressing my feet into the ground, the air on my skin, how my leg muscles flex and my arms swing.This is supposed to help reconnect my body and mind when I’m feeling like a ghost split into many pieces. ...I try to tell my body, we are here and now. Loc. 98

3. I love how she explains that identity is a matter of layers and learning: I was raised seeped in whiteness. Like God and trauma, this is an inextricable part of who I am, informing the way I move through the world and how I express myself. Because I wasn’t raised with Mexican culture, I feel like an intruder here. Loc.1864

4. One the subjects Brittany discusses is one no one discusses and it needs more attention. Children who think about suicide are in desperate need of intervention. Most people who've thought of it don't even consider it possible for a child younger than 12 to attempt or complete suicide. In Brittney's case, she was trying to beat the clock-- to commit tge mortal sin before God required her to assume responsibility of her sins...at age 12.

5. One thing a lot of abuse narratives don't express well is the powerful trauma bonding, a Stockholm syndrome-like response abused children can experience in their desire to protect and serve the interests of their narcissistic abusers, due to conditioning, often, rather than the presence of actual good relationship between abused and abuser. Brittany offers a painfully clear perspective of this codependent dynamic.

Three (or less) things I didn't love:

This section isn't only for criticisms. It's merely for items that I felt something for other than "love" or some interpretation thereof.

1. HELL IF WE DON'T doesn't provide a sufficient content warning. It gives only two sentences in the front matter: This memoir contains subject matter that may be difficult for readers. Please read with care. I think what is already provided is sufficient for most narratives, honestly. But right in the introduction, on page 1, I encountered a brief but horrifying description of animal cruelty. I think a more thorough content warning should have been included in the front matter or, ideally, the beginning of the introduction. 

Other triggers I encountered here include: SA (off-page), verbal and emotional abuse, child neglect and abuse, homelessness, guns, gaslighting, child grooming, coersion, child SA, complex childhood trauma, ptsd, body dysmorphia, mental illness, trauma response and ptsd, suicide and child suicide, child abandonment, drug use and severe intoxication, codependent parenting, trauma bonding, starvation and disordered eating.

2. I am not a fan of the lapses into second person. They don't appear to be a stylistic choice in this case, but random. Upon reaching the section in third person, I can see how these shifts are stylistic choices, but I honestly wish the author had used the technique more often. Because of it's rare appearance, I'm not sure I understand what she is trying to tell the reader which the technique.

3. This book could've used another editting pass. This isn't the writer's fault. Certain things are just supposed to get caught in edit, and some didn't here.

Closing Quote: Mom, I made this book for you. I made it the same way you made me, getting it wrong and getting it right, and so, so full of love.Thank you for giving me life. Loc. 3274

Rating: 💧💧💧💧💧 tears for a mother
Recommend? Yes!
Finished: Nov 15 23
Format: Digital arc, Kindle, NetGalley 
Read this book if you like:
🪞 memoirs
👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 family stories, family drama
👭🏽 teenage girl's coming of age  
👤 mental illness and addiction stories 

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